Till Death Do Us Part…

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“I am so hurt deep inside. But, what’s new? Every time and almost most of the time it’s been like this. When you have been taken for granted that’s how it feels like! The pain is that much, when you were so much dedicated that you forgot your own sense of being.
These words from one of my closest one, disturbed and distressed by her marriage, pierces me reverberating and somehow making me reflect,

What makes a relationship tick then?”

If it doesn’t work…it simply doesn’t how much ever you toil for it!
No, I am not a relationship guru neither have perfect relationships. But then if someone, somewhere can get sense out of it, I did be glad to share few simple revelations:

1. “It takes two to tango.”
Any relationship depends upon two people. Is it as simple as it sounds! If you are the one who is toiling harder and sweating it out more than your mate, possibility is it will never work out and you will always be running around the circle in this vicious cycle unless you want to chalk out your own line and break the circle and venture into the thinness of unknown.
Most of the time it’s the fear of unknown or the pragmatism that instinctively sneaks in as what if it works ! The ‘one more chance’ thing keeps one hopeful and aspiring. Mr.Optimist plays a foul card here. Quite precisely, its futile unless there’s a balance to own, toil and persevere from both end sincerely.

2. “You need to be madly in love.”
Sometime it helps. It really do! It helps when you are a tad bit madder then you should be. Matter of heart and love is a mystery in itself and nobody has a say on it from the time you fall in love up untill the time you are growing out of it. Chances are that if you love the person that much, truly, madly and deeply ( no I am not humming the song here) , you might as well not give up and that zest will keep you intact. Being a hopeless romantic, you don’t have to worry about the balance cards here as you choose to be the messiah in the relationship matrix towards the quest of love.

3. “Let bygones be bygones.”
People talk and advice. It is a well known fact that healthy relationships need respect, commitment, loyalty, emotional transparency, romance and the list may continue to fill the next few lines, which makes or breaks the deal. Being creatures of flesh and bone with a soul too, most of us have scars or issues unresolved from prior time and past liaisons.
And when the past comes hunting in the present scenario, It gets evoked and impacts the reality that we are living in today. It’s unfair and perceptive to decree the liabilities of unfinished business into this distinct and separate tie up, especially when all it needs is loving care and tender nurturing. Working with our own insecurities while keeping an open mind but alert heart with the acknowledgment that no two people on this earth are alike, will make the path little less resistant though. Try your best to drop old hang-ups and issues before you trail towards the valley of loveland. Though it’s easier said than done but one’s conscious practice can seal the deal.

4. “The only thing constant”
The proverbial cliche ‘change is constant’ is not just a fancy word. When it comes to relationship, it can play a pivotal role. Falling in love is not the same thing as staying or being in love. It ain’t a piece of cake. Embracing the change that comes along with the alliance and being aware of the fact that sometime it takes consistent effort to keep the ball rolling is the need. Having common ground as a team and considering each other’s feelings and perspectives is recipe for happy partnership. Let your partner influence you; not like one having hold over the other but in a way that it honours and respects both parties interest in totality.

5. “For better or worse”
Love and marriage are totally, totally two seperate entities. Believe it or not, although it is imperative to love your marriage and the one you are married to, but love doesn’t conquer all.
Choose wisely. Family as a crucial social unit is the offspring of marriage. The very basis of society thrives on the simple fact that happy marriages lead to happy family and which in turn contributes to better stable society. Marriage is an institution in itself. Keeping other criterias such as physical attractiveness, comfort and moolah factor aside, attributes for institution like this rather demands intelligence, adaptability, reliability and compatibility for the long term haul. A noted relationship expert once quipped,
“If you choose someone with traits that drive you crazy or make you sad while you’re dating, then those traits will make you crazy or sad for decades to come. So you need to choose well, because most of the time what you see is what you get.”

We all come across junctures in our life, where we feel weak, vulnerable and experience momentary lapse of rationality. These are the moments which makes us aware that we are stronger and enduring enough than we know we are. How we pick ourself up when we fall is the true test of our character. In actuality there’s no right or wrong way to fix relationships as it deals with human attributes which has myriad shades and undertones ingrained in it. But recognising when it’s not working and being honest when it needs a fixing is the first step towards better bonding. Finding your own way that works, keeping in mind the crucial facts and cues that has lead you to where you stand today, is the prerequisite.
The saying goes ‘Marriages are made in heaven.’
The matter of fact is it has to breath, toil, persevere and survive on this earth only. It’s upto you and your partner in unison to build a heaven or create a hell out of it.

 

71 thoughts on “Till Death Do Us Part…

  1. A post that will make all of us to introspect..yes the thoughts for a successful partnership are absolutely true..and 25 years of tolerating one another has made me wiser 🙂 The secret mantra is undoubtedly give and take, live and let live and tolerate each other’s idiosyncrasies!!!

  2. Very true, the issue is best resolved at the outset itself if we are just conscious of the fact that it might still not work. If there is over-commitment from just one side, it could be inviting trouble.

  3. A good article! I do believe that there is only thing that destroys a marriage — or any relationship, for that matter. And that is selfishness on the part of one or both parties. Selfishness has no part in a relationship.

  4. It’s a very lovely and informative post, Chaitali! One thing kept knocking on my heart, even after I completed reading… ‘ Falling in love is not the same thing as staying or being in love. ‘ So true! The major reason for the stagnation of relationships is that they don’t evolve. Like a pillow, the relationship needs to conform to the contours of life to be comfortable, otherwise it will become as uncomfortable as a brick.

    Very beautiful post!

  5. Any relationship is a two way street. You just can’t keep going n it without reciprocation. Marriages even more cos there is a lot involved. Emotions, love and all that these two come with. A good post Chaitali and food for thought.

  6. Archie says:

    A very reflective write-up Chaitali. Marriage is an institution that needs hard work constantly and consistently!

  7. Lots of valuable points there, Chaitali. Having been married for almost 27 years now I can relate to almost everything you say here. It indeed takes a lot of emotional energy to make the best out of any human relationship, especially marriage in which two people often very different from each other in terms of how they have been raised, what they value in life etc come together to form one social unit. This constant effort to find a common ground and yet allow each one to blossom in his/her unique way can take its toll. But you are also right, in some cases there comes a time when things just stop working and the emotional toll is simply too much, especially for one of the two people. Those can indeed be testing times.

  8. Very matured thoughts and well expressed too.
    These points are true for all relationships and marriage being the most complicated of all requires dedication from both sides.
    The opening line hit me the other day when I opened the post. Hope your friend is coping well.

  9. Communication and honesty are integral to any relationship, that way you can work through a lot of things, sometimes the communication takes courage but it is always for the good and like you say if it doesn’t work it is better to accept it than toil in sadness.

  10. I’m an expert on how NOT to marry. I’ve done it 5 times. If you count all the years I’ve been in a marriage 2,10,4,4, 18, then I’ve been married a total of 38 years — just not to the same man. 🙂

    I’ve heard the cliche’s. But remember the people who married during a time when divorce was one notch above death. Picking the wrong person made for a living hell. No cliche in the world is going to fix deathly unhappy.

    You’d think that divorce would’ve given women more freedom: You didn’t have to prove infidelity or the humiliation that your husband was beating you. “Irreconcilable differences” was considered a good reason and the divorce rate skyrocketed. But no one considered the number of women who would fall through the cracks, or become prey to the men who employed them.

    Many women around the age of 55 with children over 18 found themselves with no means of support, no job skills. Yes, it was the guys who took advantage of their new found freedom to drop the woman who had been cleaning, caring for his children, and cooking for 25 years so he could live a second childhood.

    So then…here’s what I’ve learned. The marriages that work are the ones that can adapt through life’s changes; from ecstatically in love and into sharing a loving comfort, similar values, and a deep friendship in old age. If you’re not happy, this isn’t 1972. Follow your instincts about what you should do next.

    That’s it. 🙂

  11. A lovely line from a random movie said it all – ‘In a relationship, whoever cares less, wields more power.’
    Isn’t that sad and true? Sad because a relationship shouldn’t become a power struggle/tussle. And true, b’cos it IS true, isn’t it?

  12. Now married 26 years, am very fortunate to have the person I married as part of my life. Ups and downs, for better and worse, we still love each other.
    Thanks for sharing! 🙂

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